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skinny love > completed rp threads > [tw] gone away

Posted by: charlie fisher Jan 11 2017, 03:57 AM
sawyer knew something was wrong the moment she'd woken up. ever since they'd arrived at the cabin she'd felt a weird sense of peace. there had been plenty of anxiety over their baby and their future but for the most part she'd felt safe. until now. sawyer had been sleeping restlessly, something that hadn't happened since they'd stopped running. what had finally woken her up from the disturbing dream she'd been having was the way her lower abdomen was seriously cramping and the sticky feeling of blood between her thighs. she'd stumbled out of bed to their bathroom, throwing the light on only to find proof of what she'd immediately suspected. she'd lost the baby. sawyer is frozen with grief and fear for a moment, entirely unsure of how to react. she'd been so scared of having this baby and now the choice had been taken from her. she drops to her knees on the cold tile floor, hugging herself tightly as a sob slips out of her lips. though her mate is sleeping only a few feet away on the other side of the wall, sawyer had never felt so scared and alone.

Posted by: ally the grouch Jan 11 2017, 06:58 PM
For the past month or so the two of them had been holed up in this cabin with only rare trips to the local town for food and other necessities. Things felt a little different between himself and Sawyer. Now that he knew she was pregnant he felt more inclined to be gentle with her and Sawyer wasn't picking as many fights as she usually did. It was uncomfortable but they seemed to have slipped into acceptance of their new fate together. He was sleeping pretty deeply with his head in the pillow, but he registered that there was a shift in the mattress when Sawyer got out of it. At first he assumed she just had to use the bathroom or something, but then the scent of blood roused him awake followed by the sound of her sobs from the bathroom. He woke up immediately after that and rushed to the bathroom doorway to find his mate sitting there with blood all over her. Felix sunk to his knees in front of her because he had a pretty good idea of what was happening here but he needed to know for sure. "What's wrong? Do I... do we need to go to the hospital or... should I get Leanna?"

Posted by: charlie fisher Feb 9 2017, 01:01 PM
sawyer is only vaguely aware of felix's footsteps coming down the hall and into the bathroom, and she reaches out to grab his hand the second he's in front of her. his voice doesn't sound quite right, like he's somewhere far away instead of right here and clinging to him is the only thing she has right now. sawyer knows he's asked her a question but she can't figure out what his words had meant. she can't figure out how to tell him what's wrong and in truth she's not entirely sure she wants to think about what the answer to that question is. the pains in her lower stomach come in strong waves and she grips his hand a little tighter, gouging her nails into the skin of his hand without realizing it. she's not aware she's asking him to help her until he's picking her up and carrying her out of the bathroom and after that she stops being aware of anything.

sixteen hours later

she wakes up again, this time without pain being the reason, reaching for felix before she realizes exactly what she's doing. he's sitting on the edge of the bed and her hand finds his leg as her eyes open and she's filled with a sick sense of relief that he's stayed there. after him there had only been one more thing on her mind and because of the dull cramps and the way her mate is looking at her sawyer already knows the answer. she looks around the cabin anyway, taking a moment and a deep breath before she can bring herself to glance back at felix. "it's gone?" sawyer finally asks quietly, voice hoarse from all the crying she can't remember doing while leanna had been there. in spite of already knowing they'd lost their baby she needed to hear it from felix anyway.

Posted by: ally the grouch Feb 9 2017, 01:49 PM
Blood had never scared him before. Felix had fought and killed before. He knew what it looked and smelled like. If anything, seeing blood excited him. Roused that inner predator inside of him. He saw it all the time and yet, when he looked at Sawyer sitting there in a pile of it, his heart sank to his stomach and he experienced something he never had before. Panic settled in as he watched her head loll from one side to another. She hadn't said much when he carried her out of the cabin and ran as fast and far as he could. Eventually he made it to Leanna, and she confirmed what he already knew. The baby was gone, but at least Sawyer would be alright.

He carried her home in a bundle of blankets and laid her on the couch, just until he changed the sheets and put clean ones down. It was hard to process everything all at once. He was no longer going to be a father. Sawyer was still unconscious, but she was okay. For a long while he cried silently to himself. It felt strange, because he couldn't even remember the last time he felt tears roll down his cheeks. Felix shook his head, trying not to think about it too much. Once the bed was made, he laid her in it. After that he went to work cleaning the bathroom. All he really wanted to do was to lay in bed next to her until she woke up, but he didn't want to leave that mess there for her to see.

When he was finished, he changed his clothes and sat on the edge of the bed next to her, his head in his hands. He knew that he probably wouldn't have made a good father anyway. He was too aggressive. Too many problems weighing down on his shoulders to properly care for a baby. That didn't change what he saw or what he was feeling though. It was like a sinking darkness there in his chest, but Felix also knew he was going to have to be strong for Sawyer. When she started to stir, he looked over his shoulder at her, staying quiet a minute. Reaching over, he held onto her hand and nodded at her question. "Yeah, it's gone. You're going to be alright though." After shifting some so he was facing her, he brushed some hair from her face. He didn't really know what else to say, but he wanted her to know that he was there.

Posted by: charlie fisher Feb 9 2017, 03:28 PM
the moment felix spoke sawyer wished she could go back to sleep. she was sure she'd never been this tired before in her life, though she's fairly sure she's slept over half the day. all of her limbs feel heavy and sluggish and she can't think of anything that would help more than rolling away from felix to burrow back down under the blankets. maybe if she was able to rest for a little while longer she'd been able to sleep it all off; the day, the last few months, the guilt she feels over losing the baby. felix's eyes are red and she knows that he's been crying and maybe it's twisted of her but that makes her feel worse than anything. in the ten years that they've been together she hasn't seen him cry a single time and it's hard not to feel like this was her fault. she doesn't feel relieved to know that she'll be alright, just guilty over the fact that he so clearly isn't.

not knowing what to say sawyer just nods a little, scooting over on the bed to make a little more room for him. "will you lay down?" she asks quietly, letting go of his hand. part of sawyer worries that he won't want her touching him, but she's hoping he'll get into bed with her anyway. it's hard to read how felix is feeling but she's sure he's going to end up blaming her eventually. she wouldn't be able to fault him for that either.

Posted by: ally the grouch Feb 9 2017, 03:49 PM
It was hard for Felix to really process his emotions because he was still hanging on the thought of nearly losing his mate and definitely losing their child. He was hurting in a way that he never had before and it was worse than anything he could have imagined. Being that he wasn't the sentimental type, nothing in his life had prepared him for something like this. A long time ago he had a falling out with his brother, but Felix hardly thought about him anymore. And this was worse. So much worse. If he thought too long on it he probably would have started crying again, but there was a small bit of relief there when Sawyer finally woke up.

"Yeah, of course." Felix got up and pulled the blanket back some so he could lay there beside her. He wasn't entirely sure how much space she wanted, but he decided to give into his own needs by wrapping an arm around her to bring her close. For a while there he thought he was going to lose her and it just felt so fucking good to see her with even just a little more color in her face, finally speaking to him. It still didn't really feel like there was much to say. They lost their baby, but at least they still had each other. Felix buried his face into her hair and took a deep breath, letting her scent wash over him. "I love you." he said, deciding that was something she probably needed to hear right then.

Posted by: charlie fisher Feb 9 2017, 09:23 PM
sawyer feels relieved once again when felix pulls her into his side and she responds immediately, burrowing into his side with a quiet, sad noise. in spite of the fact that he's her husband, her mate, the person she's been with constantly for the past ten years, it's not always this easy for her to lean on him. right now she's not worried about being vulnerable with him and buries her head in his chest. it's a rare day that she doesn't threaten to personally end his life but she feels surprisingly grounded by the sound of his heart beating under her ear. she'd been feeling a little like she was drifting out of her own body and having felix's face pressed into her hair and his body under head helped her feel like she was coming back to earth. not that it didn't hurt more than anything she'd ever experienced before in her life. sawyer didn't even know how it was possible to move away from something like this.

she looks up at him when he says he loves her, needing to see his face. she didn't hear it was often as she wanted and she knew that was her fault. she was always pushing at him and doing her best to keep distance between them while also forcing him to physically be around her as often as possible. what she never told felix was that she was nearly desperate to hear him tell her he loved her, as it always made her a little more hopeful that she wouldn't have to worry about him leaving. sawyer keeps her head on his shoulder and watches him for a moment, gripping his shirt tightly in her hand. "i love you too. you know that right? you do?" there are tears on her face again and she's not sure exactly when it was that she started crying but she couldn't help herself. the fact that she could have died hasn't registered to sawyer at this point; she's entirely consumed with the loss of their baby and the way that she might lose felix too.

Posted by: ally the grouch Feb 9 2017, 09:43 PM
Felix had always been aware of the fact that the relationship he had with Sawyer wasn't really... functional. It was fun, sure, and he got off on their back and forth games. But for a long time that's all it really felt like they were. A couple who thrived off of obsession and jealousy. Felix knew what he felt for her, and wanted nothing more than to just be as close to her as possible. None of that really seemed to matter right now because he could feel that they were broken. This loss was going to hurt them both in ways that made him afraid of losing her. He only just managed to keep her close enough to be with him. Felix was afraid that now she was going to pull back away from him and he'd have to start all over again with trying to get her to trust him and let him in.

He was glad to have her curl into him instead after he laid down. Once she attached herself to his side, he pulled up her shirt a little ways just so he could press his hand to her skin. Feeling her beneath his fingertips had always been comforting, at least to him anyway. He wanted to feel her and to let her know that he was really there and not going anywhere. "I know you do, Sawyer. I know." Felix kissed her hair again, his hand started to gently rub her back a little. There wasn't much he could do to make any of this better. He could promise that it would be okay, because he was certain that it would eventually, but right now he was in this hole with her. They were hurting together and he supposed this was something that they were both going to have to feel before they could move on from it.

Posted by: charlie fisher Feb 9 2017, 11:27 PM
two week later

sawyer hadn't had very much to say since they'd lost the baby. she'd never been the type of woman to keep her opinions to herself before and her periods of silence tended to be either sullen or pissed. it's been odd to feel herself changing, feeling herself withdrawing into a place where she can't bring herself to do much but eat or sleep and when she wasn't doing either of those things she'd find herself simply sitting. sometimes she looked out the window or stared at the ceiling, not noticing time passing until something snapped her out of it and she'd realize that a few hours had slipped by since she'd first sat down. at first she'd been too numb to think of much of anything at all but after a few days she'd found herself thinking about felix. felix, felix, felix. they hadn't gone very far apart from each other since the incident had happened but to sawyer it felt like he was miles away. their relationship felt like a broken thing and all she could dwell on was how long it had been that way and how it would probably only get worse, thanks to her.

being contemplative aside, sawyer hadn't really felt much of anything. she'd begun that day like the rest of them for the last two weeks, dragging herself in and out of the shower, pushing something around a plate just for felix's benefit. she'd always been toned and was surprised to notice how quickly she'd been losing weight but it wasn't something that really worried her. it was like noticing changes in a strangers body on the off chance she glanced in the mirror. but there was something a little different that day. towards noon she'd started to feel a nervous energy, a kind that centered solely around her mate. she wasn't able to zone out like usual and her eyes followed him around the cabin instead, until she couldn't take it anymore and got up to follow him when he went outside. sawyer grabbed a blanket to throw around her shoulders, feeling the cold of the snow that generally didn't bother werewolves. "felix?" she asks quietly, coming up behind him. "do you mind....can i sit out here with you?" sawyer wasn't really an ask-permission kind of girl but she found herself hesitant around him anyway.

Posted by: ally the grouch Feb 9 2017, 11:38 PM
Sometimes it was hard to tell the difference between night and day. At this point everything felt the same. Wake up, Get dressed. Sit around and do nothing until it was time to cook something to eat. It wasn't as if this was the kind of routine that Felix really wanted, but he'd already attempted talking to Sawyer a handful of times and came up empty. It frustrated him because he was angry and hurt and he was feeling so many fucking things, but she wasn't there at all. It was like looking at the shell of his mate as she literally withered away in front of him. Felix wanted to feel something from her. Anything at all, but she wasn't budging, so he figured he would just keep letting the days repeat themselves until something changed in her.

After making breakfast, he pulled on his boots and jacket. It snowed pretty heavily last night, so he had intentions of chopping some more wood for the fireplace. Swinging the ax also helped him get out some of that built up anger he had welling inside of him. It wasn't anything directed at her. Just what had happened to them. Anger was a stage of grief, wasn't it? "Yeah, sweetheart?" Never in his life had he referred to her as sweetheart, but he was feeling particularly gentle towards her. "Of course you can. I'm just going to split some wood for the fire, but I'd like the company." He grabbed the ax from the side of the cabin and went over to the pile, tossing a few pieces over to the stump where he would split them. "How're you feeling?" Felix asked that question a handful of times before but never got an answer. He wasn't expecting one now, but he was always trying to get her to talk to him.

Posted by: charlie fisher Feb 9 2017, 11:58 PM
there was no way that any of this was easy on felix but she hadn't been able to bring herself to really think about that until now. when he calls her sweetheart she knows that something is wrong because this isn't how they talk to each other. there's also something kind of painful about how her heart skips at the nickname, making her realize she's been missing something she hadn't even known she wanted. the times that felix had been gentle towards her were few and far between but that wasn't necessarily his fault. she hadn't wanted to act vulnerable towards him because she didn't want him to think she was weak. now she likes the idea of laying her head on his chest and letting him put her arms around her so they could stay together quietly, the way that they had the first night. sawyer can't bring herself to voice this so she follows him down the stairs instead, taking a seat on the bottom step.

she's not sure what exactly it was she wanted to say to him when she'd gone outside after him but there's a burning in her chest and she knows she's got to say something. the words are out of her mouth before she can really think about it, before she can realize that she's ignored everything that he's said to her. "i'm sorry," she tells him, pulling the blanket over her shoulders. she's not cold exactly but it feels easier to talk to him with some sort of protective layer between the two of them. sawyer takes a breathe and feels the cold stabbing into her lungs, forcing her eyes to her mate. "not just because of the baby. for....everything, i guess. for the way it's been between us since we met." she'd been replaying the last ten years of their relationship over the passed few days and it all been weighing on her mind. sawyer had never been good at talking to felix and this couldn't be the most appropriate way to do this but she didn't think she could hold it in. their relationship was broken, she thought, but she knew she'd die without felix. she had to do something to start fixing it or she'd lose the last thing she had left.

Posted by: ally the grouch Feb 10 2017, 12:10 AM
Felix knew that their relationship was never really what it could be. Sawyer always held out on him for one reason or another and, although it bothered him at first, it was something he learned to live with. Instead of pouting, he adapted. Changed his way of approaching her. He stopped trying to avoid confrontation and embraced it instead. They fought all the time and said dumb things to egg the other on. The tore off clothes and fucked to remind each other who belonged to who. But that was it really. The extent of their emotional relationship was pretty short, and he wondered if maybe that was his fault or why they were currently like this. Sawyer couldn't talk to him because she didn't know how and he couldn't comfort her because she never really gave him the opportunity to.

After setting a log in place, he swung the ax over his shoulder and split it down the center. It was hard to focus on the task when she was sitting there not too far. This is what things generally felt like between them. Sawyer was close, but just out of his reach. He was going to set up another and swing again, but then she started speaking and he stopped to look at her. "Sawyer, you don't have to apologize for the way you are. I guess I just... wish you would trust me more." Because that had always been the issue. Her not trusting him to not cheat on her or leave her or be gentle with her emotions. Felix felt like he was generally pretty open, but after a decade of being constantly accused of things, it sort of turned him into something that was worthy of her mistrust. "I know I've got a lot to be sorry for to. And I am. But I still love you no matter what." Deciding to ditch the wood splitting, he walks over and sits next to her on the step, capturing one of her hands. "And you can talk to me... about anything." He gave her hand a gentle squeeze, not entirely convinced she would believe him but he felt it important to remind her.


Posted by: charlie fisher Feb 10 2017, 12:27 AM
not trusting felix hadn't been anything personal in the beginning. sawyer just wasn't the kind of person to trust anyone. she wasn't sure why she'd ended up like that but sawyer had never really let anyone in. the pack that she'd grown up with had been her family but the only person she'd ever really been close to was her father and even then she'd kept to herself. felix coming into her life and saying she belonged to him wasn't something that would ever have ended well but enough time had passed that she should have been long over it by now. he'd proven to her that he wasn't about to walk out of her life even if she probably would have deserved it at this point. she knew a huge part of the problem was that she'd never really tried to let him and every time she realized he was getting close she'd explode and shove him away, wrecking whatever progress they might have made. that left them with something that wasn't exactly a marriage and sawyer had never been the type of person to change, even when she needed to be. at least she hadn't been until now.

she's grateful that he abandons his task to come sit with her instead and she squeezes his hand, scooting closer to press up against her side. the last thing she wanted between them was to keep the toxic distance that had been present since the night they'd met outside of the bar. "i love you too," she tells him quietly, earnestly. his palm his rough and calloused and she looks down at it, trailing her fingertips across the lines to give herself something she can look at. her eyes are starting to blur a little, making this month the most she's cried in all the years of her life combined. "i want to trust you. i should trust you and i don't know why i don't. and i'm sorry. but i'm ready to try. i want to be better for you. i need you, felix." sawyer looks back up at him at this, tightening her grip on his hand again. she didn't know what she'd do without him and sawyer didn't think she could bear to find out. she didn't think either of them could go on living like this anymore.

Posted by: ally the grouch Feb 10 2017, 12:39 AM
Even though he continued to wake up every morning and went about trying bring Sawyer out of this dark hole she was in, Felix had to admit that he was pretty exhausted. On top of having to cope with the fact that he carried his bleeding wife all the way to some other wolf's cabin and saw their tiny little baby being extracted from her body, he had to push all those emotions down so he could keep functioning. Be the stronger of the two so Sawyer could grieve while he took care of her. He didn't mind it, because maybe he was used to being iced out at this point. But he would have been lying if he said he didn't wish it was different. Felix would have liked to know how she was feeling and to be able to share to her in return. So that maybe they could work through this together so they could lift each other up. But it was alright that she wasn't ready for it yet. He could wait until she was.

It's nice to have her move in closer, similar to the way she had on the first night. Since then all of their interactions felt kind of hollow, but he could feel something different this time. There was more life to her now, and at least it seemed like she was finally feeling something. "You're always going to have me, Sawyer. I swear it. You're never going to have to be without me. I'm with you forever." He says this with such conviction because he means it so deeply that it actually hurts him. This was something he'd said to her before but it never really sunk in with her. Even if she did try trusting him and decided it wasn't working out, he still wouldn't leave. Felix would take whatever she wanted to give him with a smile on his face. "But I think it would be good if you tried. All I want is to be here for you." He covers the top of her hand with his other one, gently smoothing it over with his palm. It just feels good to touch her, even if she's a lot more fragile than he remembers.

Posted by: charlie fisher Feb 10 2017, 12:51 AM
having biology chose someone to be your partner for the rest of eternity had sounded a lot like bullshit to sawyer so she'd refused to accept felix for what he was. he'd denied the mate bond for as long as possible and then once she'd given in she'd kept testing him to see what could push him away. sawyer wasn't sure why she wanted to self sabotage like that but she'd been doing it to them for years without really paying attention or caring what it was doing to felix. she can see now that it had bothered him, that it had made things worse for him. he wasn't just the punching bag she'd been using him as and sawyer didn't want to treat him that way anymore. the thought of fighting with him again made her feel tired deep down into her bones and she slumped against him more, leaning heavily into his side.

he repeats to her something he's been saying since they'd met but instead of rejecting it she decides to accept his words for the first time. "i know you won't leave me, felix. you've never left me before even when i..." she takes a deep breath and wipes her eyes with one of her hands, the other still desperately holding onto felix. she wasn't very good with words and she especially wasn't good with these types of things but she owed it to him to keep going even though she was fairly she was fumbling everything and repeating words she'd already said. "even when i don't treat you very well, which i don't. i haven't. but i want to try. i want to be a good mate for you, maybe someone that would have been a good mother." sawyer coughs a little after saying this, trying not to keep crying. the baby wasn't something she thought she could handle talking about at the moment. "please let me try. i want to be better for you."

Posted by: ally the grouch Feb 10 2017, 10:03 AM
He lets go of her hand so he can wrap his arm around her shoulders because it's pretty clear that this isn't easy for her. Sawyer wasn't the emotional type, or at least she tried her very best to make it seem that way. None of this would be a smooth journey for her, but he appreciated that she seemed to be listening this time and allowing herself to be open to the idea that maybe his intentions weren't really to hurt her. Felix knew that the reputation he had when they met probably didn't make trusting him all that easy. Being someone who traveled from place to place and slept with twice as many women as he probably should have probably made him out to look pretty bad. But they were ten years into this now and Felix felt like he had at least proved that he was going to be faithful to her. There was no one else he wanted. All he could see was her.

"We'll work on it together, alright? We'll get through this together." It feels like maybe he should tell her that she would have been a good mother anyway. That she was a good mate regardless, but this seemed like the better thing to say. That at least she wouldn't be trying to do this all on her own. Felix rubbed her arm and pressed a kiss to her forehead, glad to finally be feeling something from her again. "Sawyer, you're always going to be perfect to me, but we can both try making some changes." After kissing her again, he stood up and held his hands out to her to help her up. "C'mon, it's cold out here." As much as he probably would have liked to suggest going on a run together, he was more concerned with taking this chance to get her to keep talking to him. Maybe get her to eat a little more than she had been. This was progress for sure, so he wanted to encourage it before the flame died out again.

Posted by: charlie fisher Feb 12 2017, 10:01 PM
before they'd come to the cabin and everything had started to fall apart for them sawyer had never been the type of woman that held her tongue, especially not for an insignificant reason like whether or not it would hurt someone's feelings. she'd never even cared if she would hurt felix's feelings and he was the most important person in the world to her. this felt different. she hadn't really been sure what was going to come out of her mouth when she went outside after felix but she knew she'd been a little afraid of how he was going to react. it was uncomfortable to feel nervous around felix but after the last two weeks of feeling absolutely nothing it was kind of a relief. maybe she should have been more worried about his feelings the entire time. maybe things would have been a lot easier from the beginning if she'd been a little more open instead of playing the offense for the last ten years. at least this was some type of progress.

following felix back into the house sawyer waits for felix to sit down on the couch and only hesitates for a moment before settling down onto his lap. touching him made her feel a little more grounded and less like she was going to float away at any moment. she arranges the blanket over the both of them, head leaning against his shoulder. it was rare for them to sit around like this, as sawyer generally only gave into affection right before they were going to sleep or just after they'd woken up. now she feels desperate for it. "is it okay with you if we stay here for a while? i'm not ready to move yet." sawyer hadn't been afraid of very much before any of this but the idea of heading back into the world seemed like way too much to take on right now. "i think i just want to stay here with you for a little while."

Posted by: ally the grouch Feb 12 2017, 10:18 PM
Once inside, he pulled off his jacket and kicked off his boots, even though he had literally just put them on. Felix had been itching to get out there in the snow all morning, but suddenly the urge to break things wasn't there anymore. He ran a hand through his hair and tied it back before sitting on the couch next to Sawyer. It didn't take her long to crawl over into his lap. He wrapped his arms easily around her to pull her close. She felt a lot smaller than he remembered, which sparked up that nagging bit of concern that hadn't left him since the night he found her in the bathroom like that. Right now didn't seem like the best time to mentioning it though, so he just pressed a kiss to her cheek instead.

"We can stay as long as you need. I think the weather is supposed to clear up a little soon." Reaching up, he brushed some hair away from her face. Felix wasn't really fond of being here, especially not now with everything that had happened. He felt like it might do them both some good to move somewhere else. To start over in a fresh place, but he understood that she wasn't strong enough for that yet. "Once you're feeling up to it, maybe we can go out for a run." While he says this, he continues to stroke her hair and brings her close so he can kiss the top of her head. It was almost sort of strange to be this... domestic with her. So gentle. But he didn't think it was a bad thing. Felix just really wanted her to know that she didn't have to be so tough around him all the time. That she could depend on him to take care of her every once in a while.

Posted by: charlie fisher Feb 12 2017, 11:04 PM
it as nice having felix take care of her. sawyer rarely ever gave in and let herself be weak in front of him but she couldn't have put up a fight right now if she tried. she didn't even want to try at the moment. he was smoothing her hair and kissing her head and she snuggles closer to his chest, wrapping an arm loosely around his waist. she knew felix had never really loved this cabin but this is a step, isn't it? trusting him enough to tell him that she's not ready to leave yet. one of the major reasons she didn't know if she could abandon the cabin was because felix had buried the tiny body of their baby under a tree just outside of the house. she knew felix would understand that as well as her general weakness at the moment but she wasn't ready to talk about that. even thinking about it felt like poking a dead tooth.

"i miss running," she says quietly, putting her hand under the hem of his short to be closer to him. sawyer feels exhausted but that isn't much of a surprise. she's been tired constantly ever since the incident had happened. sawyer hasn't been awake for more than a handful of hours but she already feels like going back to bed. not wanting to lose the intimacy between them she closes her eyes and pulls the blanket closer, letting him holder. "i like that idea. when the weather gets better i can try changing again. we'll go out together." she tilts her head to kiss under his jaw before settling back in. maybe starting over would be a good idea. sawyer hoped so, at least, because she knew she couldn't live without him.

Posted by: ally the grouch Feb 12 2017, 11:20 PM
some time later

It was rare that Felix ever thought about home. Sometimes, especially when the weather got all bitterly cold like this, he would think back to when he used to live on the Hawaiian islands and how the sun used to feel on his skin. He would ache for the waves and the sand and everything he left behind. For a while he tried living in California because it was the closest to it he could find, but it wasn't the same. Felix then traveled around from place to place, hoping that maybe some day something would stick. Obviously it hadn't, as he was still as restless as ever, but it didn't matter because he refused to return home or acknowledge anyone he left behind. Especially his brother, who was the last person he ever wanted to speak to again. Mason had caught him in a weak spot though, still feeling soft about everything that had happened here at the cabin, so he actually answered the text after ignoring a handful of phone calls.

"Are you sure you want to do this? We don't have to go." Some part of Felix was hoping that Sawyer would change her mind because his stomach was already tying itself into knots. He felt like the sun might do her some good, but he really had no interest in seeing Mason. Or, so he told himself. Somewhere deep down he was mildly concerned that someone was going after his brother and his new mate. "If you're not ready to go, I can tell Mason we've changed our minds." Felix ran a hand through his damp hair (having just showered after finishing his conversation with Mason). He wasn't entirely sure if he was asking Sawyer if she was having doubts because he was genuinely concerned or because he was hoping she might give him a reason not to go.

Posted by: charlie fisher Feb 12 2017, 11:41 PM
sawyer had really been wanting to go to hawaii. she'd never really had an urge to leave pack territory before she'd met felix but the two of them had spent nearly all of their time together moving around the country. they mostly stayed in the middle of the country but a few times they'd gone north into canada. she was in her 70's now and she'd never been to the ocean, let alone an island. she probably wouldn't have ever developed an interest in seeing hawaii if it hadn't been for felix. a lot of his past before they'd met was a mystery to her and having the opportunity to go see where he was from, and to meet his family, was something she found herself really looking forward to. or at least something she was very curious about. felix had only mentioned his brother a handful of times and it never seemed like there was any love lost between them; that he'd even answered mason's texts seemed like a huge deal.

it wasn't really surprising to her that he was nervous but it was surprising that they were making an effort to talk to each other about it. that was also brand new territory. sawyer sits on the kitchen counter, watching felix walk about of the bathroom with a small smile. "i think i'm ready to go. i've been feeling....better," she hesitates, having taken a moment to find the right word. sawyer wasn't exactly sure when it was that she'd be okay again. "but i think a change of scenery might be nice." sawyer feels a little apprehensive addressing the situation directly but they've been trying to be open with each other so she takes a deep breath, looking away from him to zip up her sweater. "are you ready? i know you don't really want to see mason."

Posted by: ally the grouch Feb 12 2017, 11:53 PM
It wasn't as if Felix had really left his pack on bad terms. He never really fit in with any of them, but he at least had a strong bond with Mason. When Felix made the decision to leave, he asked his brother to come along with him and... well, that had ended in a pretty shitty way. His brother chose the pack over him and he'd been bitter about it ever since. Maybe that would seem like nothing to literally anyone else, but it always bothered him. To pick the pack over blood felt like such a fucking stab in back. Felix decided to just sever all ties after that day. It was pretty easy to keep true to his promise never so speak to his brother again all the way up until now.

Felix approached the counter and braced his hands on either side of her, pressing his face into the crook of her neck. All of this, being able to touch her whenever he wanted and as affectionately as he wanted was... different. Something he was finding himself becoming extremely used to though. "I'm glad you're feeling better. That's all I want." After pressing a kiss to her neck, he moved to press his forehead against hers instead of hiding his face. It was becoming easier to talk to her he felt, but this was still something he wasn't so sure about. Not because he didn't trust her, but because Felix didn't even understand what he was feeling. "I think I'll be alright to go... I just don't really know what to expect." He shrugged, and nudged her nose with his. That much was true at least. He wasn't sure how his parents would react to him coming home and he was hoping that they would just leave him the fuck alone. Dealing with Mason would be enough.

Posted by: charlie fisher Feb 13 2017, 12:19 AM
in the past sawyer never would have asked felix if he was nervous about something unless she was trying to call him a pussy. she'd been worried about felix before but it was usually hiding underneath several layers of anger towards him. she hadn't had the energy to feel so much as irritated towards him since they'd lost their baby but she found herself feeling a little concerned. he'd been through just as much as she had over the past months, maybe even more considering that he'd done his best to be strong for her. sawyer had looked away from him because she'd expected that he wouldn't care for the question but he'd surprised her. a lot of things about felix had been surprising her since she'd made a promise to both of them that she'd do her best to start trusting him.

sawyer makes a surprised noise when his cold, wet hair touches the side of her neck. he's been so affectionate with her lately that she's come to be reliant on it, almost the same way she depended on him laying next to her in order to fall asleep. "if it makes you feel any better, i'll bring my knife with me and makes sure no one treats you badly. you're doing them a favor, not the other way around." hooking her ankles loosely around the back of his thighs, she also wraps her arms around his neck. "we could keep to ourselves as much as we can while we're there. you're a good tracker, you can find him without your brother. and you know i'll help you. we don't have to stay a day longer than it takes to find whoever did it. then the wolf will be mason's problem and we can go wherever we want from there." felix had been there for her during this whole thing and she was glad she'd be able to do the same for him now.

Posted by: ally the grouch Feb 13 2017, 12:36 AM
Being this close to her makes it easier for him to relax a little. Just breathing in her scent is enough to clear his mind. It actually made him feel a little stupid for being nervous in the first place. His former pack wasn't likely to attack him just for returning home. He hadn't necessarily left on bad terms. Sure, he burned most of the bridges with his family, but none of them were likely to come after him. Mason was too much of a sap to try anything, and it was pretty clear that he was trying his hardest to act like things hadn't changed between them. If they could just go there and find the wolf who attacked his mate, that would be the end of it and the two of them could move on from there.

Felix smiled a little, but shook his head at her offer. "If you're talking about the blade you stabbed me with, I'd rather you didn't use that one on my brother as well. Wouldn't be as special." He decided to lean in and kiss her gently, before taking her face into his hands and standing up a little straighter. It was nice to be like this with her. To have a relationship that wasn't always so heated all the time. Felix knew that they still had a lot to work through together, but maybe this trip would actually do them some good. "I don't doubt that we'll be able to finish this up pretty quickly... but I do miss home. Just wait until you see the beaches and feel like sand on your skin... there's nothing else like it." That was another thing that made him nervous. Leaving the first time had been challenge enough. Felix was afraid that once he made it back home, he wouldn't have the strength to leave it again.

Posted by: charlie fisher Feb 13 2017, 01:08 AM
kissing felix made her feel a little shy at the moment. sawyer assumed it as because the kissing was vulnerable and not angry for once, but she kind of liked the feeling. it was nice to have butterflies in her stomach instead of rage encouraging her to slam him into a wall. not that there had been any of that recently; kissing was the only thing either of them had seemed interested in these days and that was usually light as well. "that's fair. i'll keep that one for us and get something cheap for your brother," she grins, though she leans in to get another kiss. she might not have been back to her usual self but sawyer hoped he knew that she wasn't kidding. it would be nothing to her to take out of his family members if they started giving felix any shit. going back to them like this was already hard enough for him, he didn't need all of that on top of everything else.

"i've never been to the beach. i'm glad you'll be the one taking me to the ocean for the first time." sawyer pushes his damp hair back from his face and tucks it behind his ears. she loves his hair, is grateful she can play with whenever she wants these days instead of having to wait for rare moments where they were being nice to each other. "i've also never been on a plane." sawyer was feeling a little nervous about that aspect but she was taking a lead from felix; if he wasn't nervous then there was no reason for her to be either. "i'll start packing soon. we can leave all of the winter stuff here for now. but....maybe after everything is over we could spend a week or two on the island if you want? just the two of us. i want you to show me your home."

Posted by: ally the grouch Feb 13 2017, 08:54 AM
Felix couldn't even begin to explain how good it felt to be this close to her because this was pretty much he had spent their entire relationship waiting for. There were still a lot of things they had to work on and emotions they needed to deal with, but he'd be damned if this wasn't progress. He kissed her again when she leaned back into him, then brushed the line of her jaw with his thumb, smiling a little. "I think that sounds better. Though, I really doubt it'll be Mason you have to worry about. He's the cupcake of the family. It's more my mother I have an issue with." Although it felt like Mason stabbed him in the back, Felix was more concerned about running into his half-breed junkie mother. She had been kicked out of the pack before he was born, then was knocked up when his father went roaming around outside of pack borders. He felt like the way she raised him had a lot to do with why he turned out to be so aggressive and unreliable.

After she brushed his hair out of his face, he captured both of her hands so he could press his lips to her palms. Maybe he was going a little overboard with all the affection here, but Felix really couldn't help it. Now that he was allowed to, he really couldn't get enough of her. "I promise you'll love it, and if there's one place you should lose your beach virginity, Hawaii is definitely the best place. You can be waist-deep and still see your toes." There's a tinge of excitement in his voice when he talks about it. Felix had visited the east coast beaches when he'd been in New York. The water was green and disgusting, littered with trash. It made him crave home more than anything else. "I've only been on a plane once before, and that was when I left. So we'll be experiencing it together." Felix kissed her knuckles before letting her go, settling his hands on her thighs now instead. "Yeah, we can stay for a while. I'm thinking it'll be nice to feel warm for once. It's been so cold for so long." Leaning forward again, he buried his face back into her neck. He didn't really think he was speaking strictly of the literal cold, but he was sure she understood what he meant.

Posted by: charlie fisher Feb 15 2017, 04:14 AM
"i can't believe you called anyone a cupcake," sawyer smiles, tugging his hair gently as she teases him. it might have been sarcastic but the endearment still sounded kind of hilarious coming out felix's mouth like that. this was the most she'd smiled in the last month and there was a lightness in her chest that she hadn't felt in a while either. "i'm almost kind of jealous." sawyer hesitates for a second, wanting to ask about him about his mother but she decides not to. this moment is easy and gentle and while she likes that they're being honest with each other, she doesn't want to ruin the levity. she would ask him about that later, when they were in bed together and neither of them were able to sleep. lately that's when they'd been doing a lot of talk and discussing things they should have learned about each other years ago.

she was more than pleased with her decision when he kissed her palms. it wasn't as if he had constantly thrown her around and bruised her every time they'd ever touched each other but this was definitely knew. sawyer wondered if she could have had this the entire time but it was nice enough to have it now. "my beach virginity? you're really on a roll with the the phrases tonight. but i'm excited to see it. do you think it's possible to forget how to swim? i can't even remember the last time we went." it feels good to have felix touching her like this and she smiles even wider when he buries his head in her neck. she wraps her arms tighter around his neck and puts her hands in his wet hair, kissing the side of his head. sawyer literally couldn't remember the last time they'd been like this. "i agree. i'm glad we're leaving the cabin. i'm ready to get out of the snow and get away from here."

Posted by: ally the grouch Feb 15 2017, 10:37 AM
Felix laughed some and shook his head. Even he had to admit that the word cupcake didn't sound quite right coming from him. "I don't think I've ever actually called him that... until right now." Now that he was thinking about it, he never really addressed anyone by any sort of pet name, excluding Sawyer. The first time they met he could remember calling her princess, but that hadn't felt right, so that had also been the last time. "You want me to start calling you cupcake then?" Felix smiled at her some, knowing that also would not be a suiting nickname for her either. They might have gotten soft on each other of the past few weeks, but he knew better than to assume Sawyer had changed completely. He knew that the fierceness was still there inside her, even if it might not seem like it. She would always be the strongest (and borderline insane) person he knew, and he admired that about her.

"Even if you did forget, I'm sure I could probably teach you." Never would he ever have imagined actually teaching Sawyer anything. She was a woman capable of pretty much anything, and when she didn't know something, she did a good job of masking any and all weaknesses. It was nice though, to see this other side to her. Felix wanted to explore this more. To know her inside and out. "I used to surf everyday when I was living there. I taught Mason and a few of the others... but I'm not sure I'd know how to handle the waves anymore." He would have liked to think that he still did. Once upon a time, it had been one of his favorite ways to spend literally the entire day. Now all he was really good at was getting into fights and swinging axes. "Yeah, I am too. Maybe this trip won't be so bad." Felix pulled her off the counter, picking her up so they could get closer on the couch. Maybe they were going to Hawaii only because his brother asked him to, but he felt like they could probably stay a while. It wasn't as if he had to be surrounded by his family the entire time they were there. He ans Sawyer could probably find some small spot near the beach to hide away together.

Posted by: charlie fisher Feb 16 2017, 12:12 AM
felix had never really called her by a nickname but that didn't bother her. sawyer herself wasn't very big on pet names and only addressed him by his first name or, when provoked, a string of expletives and insults. the only thing anyone had ever really called her was "princess" and that was something she hated with a deep and fiery passion. "i don't think i'm really a cupcake," she smiles a little ruefully, knowing a sugary nickname had no business being applied to her. there was a part of her that was tempted to tell him that she'd kinda liked when he called her sweetheart recently but she had a feeling he'd start checking her forehead for a fever if she admitted to feelings like that. letting the moment pass she listens to him talking about hawaii instead, a small smile on her face. "i want to see you surf. i can't even imagine it. you're so big." sawyer wasn't being condescending for once; it really did sound kind of incredible to her that a man felix's size could balance on a board like that. "once you remember how to do it you can show me. i'm sure i'd be terrible."

there are no complaints from sawyer as felix picks her up and carries her to the couch and she waits for him to settle in before she curls up in his lap. she really was looking forward to getting out of the cabin and out of the cold, but she'd miss having felix all to herself like this. it was nice to spend some time getting to know each other instead of feeling like they were trapped in a cage and ending up screaming at each other just to pass the time. "felix....i know you laughed at me last time i said something like this, but i'm glad i have you. i don't need you to be an alpha of a pack or even to be part of one anymore. i love you." she gave him a small smile before leaning her head against his chest, enjoying their second to the last day of solitude together. whatever happened in honolulu sawyer wanted him to know that she would be there for him.

Posted by: ally the grouch Feb 16 2017, 12:27 AM
Despite all the dread he was feeling about going home to see his family, there suddenly a little bit of excitement sitting there in his chest. Not everything on the island was likely to be that bad and he felt like this was something they could potentially enjoy together. Surfing. The beach. Just being able to actually walk outside without there being a foot of snow in their way. He would be at least a little bit happy about having that opportunity with her. "Yeah, alright. That's something we can do. Once I figure out how to do it again, I'll teach you. If you want. I don't remember it being that hard." Granted, he had spent the majority of his life out on the water because his head felt a little less cluttered there. Now it had been years since he even looked at the ocean. It would almost be as if they were both experiencing it for the first time together.

When they settle on the couch, Felix feels considerably better than he had been just a handful of moments ago. He wraps his arms around her when she crawls into his lap, something she had been doing almost every day now. Although he was pretty sick of being stuck in this cabin, he never failed to enjoy these moments they had started sharing together. "I like hearing you say it." For a long time Felix felt like he had to get into all of these fights and do all these stupid things just because he thought it might somehow prove himself to her. That he was capable of protecting and loving and providing for her. So it took off some of the burdens from his shoulders to hear her say it. "I love you too, Sawyer. You're really all I'll ever need in this life." Felix kissed her again and nudged her nose before holding her as close as he could.

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