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sawyer knew something was wrong the moment she'd woken up. ever since they'd arrived at the cabin she'd felt a weird sense of peace. there had been plenty of anxiety over their baby and their future but for the most part she'd felt safe. until now. sawyer had been sleeping restlessly, something that hadn't happened since they'd stopped running. what had finally woken her up from the disturbing dream she'd been having was the way her lower abdomen was seriously cramping and the sticky feeling of blood between her thighs. she'd stumbled out of bed to their bathroom, throwing the light on only to find proof of what she'd immediately suspected. she'd lost the baby. sawyer is frozen with grief and fear for a moment, entirely unsure of how to react. she'd been so scared of having this baby and now the choice had been taken from her. she drops to her knees on the cold tile floor, hugging herself tightly as a sob slips out of her lips. though her mate is sleeping only a few feet away on the other side of the wall, sawyer had never felt so scared and alone.
For the past month or so the two of them had been holed up in this cabin with only rare trips to the local town for food and other necessities. Things felt a little different between himself and Sawyer. Now that he knew she was pregnant he felt more inclined to be gentle with her and Sawyer wasn't picking as many fights as she usually did. It was uncomfortable but they seemed to have slipped into acceptance of their new fate together. He was sleeping pretty deeply with his head in the pillow, but he registered that there was a shift in the mattress when Sawyer got out of it. At first he assumed she just had to use the bathroom or something, but then the scent of blood roused him awake followed by the sound of her sobs from the bathroom. He woke up immediately after that and rushed to the bathroom doorway to find his mate sitting there with blood all over her. Felix sunk to his knees in front of her because he had a pretty good idea of what was happening here but he needed to know for sure. "What's wrong? Do I... do we need to go to the hospital or... should I get Leanna?"
sawyer is only vaguely aware of felix's footsteps coming down the hall and into the bathroom, and she reaches out to grab his hand the second he's in front of her. his voice doesn't sound quite right, like he's somewhere far away instead of right here and clinging to him is the only thing she has right now. sawyer knows he's asked her a question but she can't figure out what his words had meant. she can't figure out how to tell him what's wrong and in truth she's not entirely sure she wants to think about what the answer to that question is. the pains in her lower stomach come in strong waves and she grips his hand a little tighter, gouging her nails into the skin of his hand without realizing it. she's not aware she's asking him to help her until he's picking her up and carrying her out of the bathroom and after that she stops being aware of anything.
sixteen hours later
she wakes up again, this time without pain being the reason, reaching for felix before she realizes exactly what she's doing. he's sitting on the edge of the bed and her hand finds his leg as her eyes open and she's filled with a sick sense of relief that he's stayed there. after him there had only been one more thing on her mind and because of the dull cramps and the way her mate is looking at her sawyer already knows the answer. she looks around the cabin anyway, taking a moment and a deep breath before she can bring herself to glance back at felix. "it's gone?" sawyer finally asks quietly, voice hoarse from all the crying she can't remember doing while leanna had been there. in spite of already knowing they'd lost their baby she needed to hear it from felix anyway.
Blood had never scared him before. Felix had fought and killed before. He knew what it looked and smelled like. If anything, seeing blood excited him. Roused that inner predator inside of him. He saw it all the time and yet, when he looked at Sawyer sitting there in a pile of it, his heart sank to his stomach and he experienced something he never had before. Panic settled in as he watched her head loll from one side to another. She hadn't said much when he carried her out of the cabin and ran as fast and far as he could. Eventually he made it to Leanna, and she confirmed what he already knew. The baby was gone, but at least Sawyer would be alright.
He carried her home in a bundle of blankets and laid her on the couch, just until he changed the sheets and put clean ones down. It was hard to process everything all at once. He was no longer going to be a father. Sawyer was still unconscious, but she was okay. For a long while he cried silently to himself. It felt strange, because he couldn't even remember the last time he felt tears roll down his cheeks. Felix shook his head, trying not to think about it too much. Once the bed was made, he laid her in it. After that he went to work cleaning the bathroom. All he really wanted to do was to lay in bed next to her until she woke up, but he didn't want to leave that mess there for her to see.
When he was finished, he changed his clothes and sat on the edge of the bed next to her, his head in his hands. He knew that he probably wouldn't have made a good father anyway. He was too aggressive. Too many problems weighing down on his shoulders to properly care for a baby. That didn't change what he saw or what he was feeling though. It was like a sinking darkness there in his chest, but Felix also knew he was going to have to be strong for Sawyer. When she started to stir, he looked over his shoulder at her, staying quiet a minute. Reaching over, he held onto her hand and nodded at her question. "Yeah, it's gone. You're going to be alright though." After shifting some so he was facing her, he brushed some hair from her face. He didn't really know what else to say, but he wanted her to know that he was there.
the moment felix spoke sawyer wished she could go back to sleep. she was sure she'd never been this tired before in her life, though she's fairly sure she's slept over half the day. all of her limbs feel heavy and sluggish and she can't think of anything that would help more than rolling away from felix to burrow back down under the blankets. maybe if she was able to rest for a little while longer she'd been able to sleep it all off; the day, the last few months, the guilt she feels over losing the baby. felix's eyes are red and she knows that he's been crying and maybe it's twisted of her but that makes her feel worse than anything. in the ten years that they've been together she hasn't seen him cry a single time and it's hard not to feel like this was her fault. she doesn't feel relieved to know that she'll be alright, just guilty over the fact that he so clearly isn't.
not knowing what to say sawyer just nods a little, scooting over on the bed to make a little more room for him. "will you lay down?" she asks quietly, letting go of his hand. part of sawyer worries that he won't want her touching him, but she's hoping he'll get into bed with her anyway. it's hard to read how felix is feeling but she's sure he's going to end up blaming her eventually. she wouldn't be able to fault him for that either.
It was hard for Felix to really process his emotions because he was still hanging on the thought of nearly losing his mate and definitely losing their child. He was hurting in a way that he never had before and it was worse than anything he could have imagined. Being that he wasn't the sentimental type, nothing in his life had prepared him for something like this. A long time ago he had a falling out with his brother, but Felix hardly thought about him anymore. And this was worse. So much worse. If he thought too long on it he probably would have started crying again, but there was a small bit of relief there when Sawyer finally woke up.
"Yeah, of course." Felix got up and pulled the blanket back some so he could lay there beside her. He wasn't entirely sure how much space she wanted, but he decided to give into his own needs by wrapping an arm around her to bring her close. For a while there he thought he was going to lose her and it just felt so fucking good to see her with even just a little more color in her face, finally speaking to him. It still didn't really feel like there was much to say. They lost their baby, but at least they still had each other. Felix buried his face into her hair and took a deep breath, letting her scent wash over him. "I love you." he said, deciding that was something she probably needed to hear right then.
sawyer feels relieved once again when felix pulls her into his side and she responds immediately, burrowing into his side with a quiet, sad noise. in spite of the fact that he's her husband, her mate, the person she's been with constantly for the past ten years, it's not always this easy for her to lean on him. right now she's not worried about being vulnerable with him and buries her head in his chest. it's a rare day that she doesn't threaten to personally end his life but she feels surprisingly grounded by the sound of his heart beating under her ear. she'd been feeling a little like she was drifting out of her own body and having felix's face pressed into her hair and his body under head helped her feel like she was coming back to earth. not that it didn't hurt more than anything she'd ever experienced before in her life. sawyer didn't even know how it was possible to move away from something like this.
she looks up at him when he says he loves her, needing to see his face. she didn't hear it was often as she wanted and she knew that was her fault. she was always pushing at him and doing her best to keep distance between them while also forcing him to physically be around her as often as possible. what she never told felix was that she was nearly desperate to hear him tell her he loved her, as it always made her a little more hopeful that she wouldn't have to worry about him leaving. sawyer keeps her head on his shoulder and watches him for a moment, gripping his shirt tightly in her hand. "i love you too. you know that right? you do?" there are tears on her face again and she's not sure exactly when it was that she started crying but she couldn't help herself. the fact that she could have died hasn't registered to sawyer at this point; she's entirely consumed with the loss of their baby and the way that she might lose felix too.
Felix had always been aware of the fact that the relationship he had with Sawyer wasn't really... functional. It was fun, sure, and he got off on their back and forth games. But for a long time that's all it really felt like they were. A couple who thrived off of obsession and jealousy. Felix knew what he felt for her, and wanted nothing more than to just be as close to her as possible. None of that really seemed to matter right now because he could feel that they were broken. This loss was going to hurt them both in ways that made him afraid of losing her. He only just managed to keep her close enough to be with him. Felix was afraid that now she was going to pull back away from him and he'd have to start all over again with trying to get her to trust him and let him in.
He was glad to have her curl into him instead after he laid down. Once she attached herself to his side, he pulled up her shirt a little ways just so he could press his hand to her skin. Feeling her beneath his fingertips had always been comforting, at least to him anyway. He wanted to feel her and to let her know that he was really there and not going anywhere. "I know you do, Sawyer. I know." Felix kissed her hair again, his hand started to gently rub her back a little. There wasn't much he could do to make any of this better. He could promise that it would be okay, because he was certain that it would eventually, but right now he was in this hole with her. They were hurting together and he supposed this was something that they were both going to have to feel before they could move on from it.
sawyer hadn't had very much to say since they'd lost the baby. she'd never been the type of woman to keep her opinions to herself before and her periods of silence tended to be either sullen or pissed. it's been odd to feel herself changing, feeling herself withdrawing into a place where she can't bring herself to do much but eat or sleep and when she wasn't doing either of those things she'd find herself simply sitting. sometimes she looked out the window or stared at the ceiling, not noticing time passing until something snapped her out of it and she'd realize that a few hours had slipped by since she'd first sat down. at first she'd been too numb to think of much of anything at all but after a few days she'd found herself thinking about felix. felix, felix, felix. they hadn't gone very far apart from each other since the incident had happened but to sawyer it felt like he was miles away. their relationship felt like a broken thing and all she could dwell on was how long it had been that way and how it would probably only get worse, thanks to her.
being contemplative aside, sawyer hadn't really felt much of anything. she'd begun that day like the rest of them for the last two weeks, dragging herself in and out of the shower, pushing something around a plate just for felix's benefit. she'd always been toned and was surprised to notice how quickly she'd been losing weight but it wasn't something that really worried her. it was like noticing changes in a strangers body on the off chance she glanced in the mirror. but there was something a little different that day. towards noon she'd started to feel a nervous energy, a kind that centered solely around her mate. she wasn't able to zone out like usual and her eyes followed him around the cabin instead, until she couldn't take it anymore and got up to follow him when he went outside. sawyer grabbed a blanket to throw around her shoulders, feeling the cold of the snow that generally didn't bother werewolves. "felix?" she asks quietly, coming up behind him. "do you mind....can i sit out here with you?" sawyer wasn't really an ask-permission kind of girl but she found herself hesitant around him anyway.
Sometimes it was hard to tell the difference between night and day. At this point everything felt the same. Wake up, Get dressed. Sit around and do nothing until it was time to cook something to eat. It wasn't as if this was the kind of routine that Felix really wanted, but he'd already attempted talking to Sawyer a handful of times and came up empty. It frustrated him because he was angry and hurt and he was feeling so many fucking things, but she wasn't there at all. It was like looking at the shell of his mate as she literally withered away in front of him. Felix wanted to feel something from her. Anything at all, but she wasn't budging, so he figured he would just keep letting the days repeat themselves until something changed in her.
After making breakfast, he pulled on his boots and jacket. It snowed pretty heavily last night, so he had intentions of chopping some more wood for the fireplace. Swinging the ax also helped him get out some of that built up anger he had welling inside of him. It wasn't anything directed at her. Just what had happened to them. Anger was a stage of grief, wasn't it? "Yeah, sweetheart?" Never in his life had he referred to her as sweetheart, but he was feeling particularly gentle towards her. "Of course you can. I'm just going to split some wood for the fire, but I'd like the company." He grabbed the ax from the side of the cabin and went over to the pile, tossing a few pieces over to the stump where he would split them. "How're you feeling?" Felix asked that question a handful of times before but never got an answer. He wasn't expecting one now, but he was always trying to get her to talk to him.
there was no way that any of this was easy on felix but she hadn't been able to bring herself to really think about that until now. when he calls her sweetheart she knows that something is wrong because this isn't how they talk to each other. there's also something kind of painful about how her heart skips at the nickname, making her realize she's been missing something she hadn't even known she wanted. the times that felix had been gentle towards her were few and far between but that wasn't necessarily his fault. she hadn't wanted to act vulnerable towards him because she didn't want him to think she was weak. now she likes the idea of laying her head on his chest and letting him put her arms around her so they could stay together quietly, the way that they had the first night. sawyer can't bring herself to voice this so she follows him down the stairs instead, taking a seat on the bottom step.
she's not sure what exactly it was she wanted to say to him when she'd gone outside after him but there's a burning in her chest and she knows she's got to say something. the words are out of her mouth before she can really think about it, before she can realize that she's ignored everything that he's said to her. "i'm sorry," she tells him, pulling the blanket over her shoulders. she's not cold exactly but it feels easier to talk to him with some sort of protective layer between the two of them. sawyer takes a breathe and feels the cold stabbing into her lungs, forcing her eyes to her mate. "not just because of the baby. for....everything, i guess. for the way it's been between us since we met." she'd been replaying the last ten years of their relationship over the passed few days and it all been weighing on her mind. sawyer had never been good at talking to felix and this couldn't be the most appropriate way to do this but she didn't think she could hold it in. their relationship was broken, she thought, but she knew she'd die without felix. she had to do something to start fixing it or she'd lose the last thing she had left.
Felix knew that their relationship was never really what it could be. Sawyer always held out on him for one reason or another and, although it bothered him at first, it was something he learned to live with. Instead of pouting, he adapted. Changed his way of approaching her. He stopped trying to avoid confrontation and embraced it instead. They fought all the time and said dumb things to egg the other on. The tore off clothes and fucked to remind each other who belonged to who. But that was it really. The extent of their emotional relationship was pretty short, and he wondered if maybe that was his fault or why they were currently like this. Sawyer couldn't talk to him because she didn't know how and he couldn't comfort her because she never really gave him the opportunity to.
After setting a log in place, he swung the ax over his shoulder and split it down the center. It was hard to focus on the task when she was sitting there not too far. This is what things generally felt like between them. Sawyer was close, but just out of his reach. He was going to set up another and swing again, but then she started speaking and he stopped to look at her. "Sawyer, you don't have to apologize for the way you are. I guess I just... wish you would trust me more." Because that had always been the issue. Her not trusting him to not cheat on her or leave her or be gentle with her emotions. Felix felt like he was generally pretty open, but after a decade of being constantly accused of things, it sort of turned him into something that was worthy of her mistrust. "I know I've got a lot to be sorry for to. And I am. But I still love you no matter what." Deciding to ditch the wood splitting, he walks over and sits next to her on the step, capturing one of her hands. "And you can talk to me... about anything." He gave her hand a gentle squeeze, not entirely convinced she would believe him but he felt it important to remind her.
not trusting felix hadn't been anything personal in the beginning. sawyer just wasn't the kind of person to trust anyone. she wasn't sure why she'd ended up like that but sawyer had never really let anyone in. the pack that she'd grown up with had been her family but the only person she'd ever really been close to was her father and even then she'd kept to herself. felix coming into her life and saying she belonged to him wasn't something that would ever have ended well but enough time had passed that she should have been long over it by now. he'd proven to her that he wasn't about to walk out of her life even if she probably would have deserved it at this point. she knew a huge part of the problem was that she'd never really tried to let him and every time she realized he was getting close she'd explode and shove him away, wrecking whatever progress they might have made. that left them with something that wasn't exactly a marriage and sawyer had never been the type of person to change, even when she needed to be. at least she hadn't been until now.
she's grateful that he abandons his task to come sit with her instead and she squeezes his hand, scooting closer to press up against her side. the last thing she wanted between them was to keep the toxic distance that had been present since the night they'd met outside of the bar. "i love you too," she tells him quietly, earnestly. his palm his rough and calloused and she looks down at it, trailing her fingertips across the lines to give herself something she can look at. her eyes are starting to blur a little, making this month the most she's cried in all the years of her life combined. "i want to trust you. i should trust you and i don't know why i don't. and i'm sorry. but i'm ready to try. i want to be better for you. i need you, felix." sawyer looks back up at him at this, tightening her grip on his hand again. she didn't know what she'd do without him and sawyer didn't think she could bear to find out. she didn't think either of them could go on living like this anymore.
Even though he continued to wake up every morning and went about trying bring Sawyer out of this dark hole she was in, Felix had to admit that he was pretty exhausted. On top of having to cope with the fact that he carried his bleeding wife all the way to some other wolf's cabin and saw their tiny little baby being extracted from her body, he had to push all those emotions down so he could keep functioning. Be the stronger of the two so Sawyer could grieve while he took care of her. He didn't mind it, because maybe he was used to being iced out at this point. But he would have been lying if he said he didn't wish it was different. Felix would have liked to know how she was feeling and to be able to share to her in return. So that maybe they could work through this together so they could lift each other up. But it was alright that she wasn't ready for it yet. He could wait until she was.
It's nice to have her move in closer, similar to the way she had on the first night. Since then all of their interactions felt kind of hollow, but he could feel something different this time. There was more life to her now, and at least it seemed like she was finally feeling something. "You're always going to have me, Sawyer. I swear it. You're never going to have to be without me. I'm with you forever." He says this with such conviction because he means it so deeply that it actually hurts him. This was something he'd said to her before but it never really sunk in with her. Even if she did try trusting him and decided it wasn't working out, he still wouldn't leave. Felix would take whatever she wanted to give him with a smile on his face. "But I think it would be good if you tried. All I want is to be here for you." He covers the top of her hand with his other one, gently smoothing it over with his palm. It just feels good to touch her, even if she's a lot more fragile than he remembers.
having biology chose someone to be your partner for the rest of eternity had sounded a lot like bullshit to sawyer so she'd refused to accept felix for what he was. he'd denied the mate bond for as long as possible and then once she'd given in she'd kept testing him to see what could push him away. sawyer wasn't sure why she wanted to self sabotage like that but she'd been doing it to them for years without really paying attention or caring what it was doing to felix. she can see now that it had bothered him, that it had made things worse for him. he wasn't just the punching bag she'd been using him as and sawyer didn't want to treat him that way anymore. the thought of fighting with him again made her feel tired deep down into her bones and she slumped against him more, leaning heavily into his side.
he repeats to her something he's been saying since they'd met but instead of rejecting it she decides to accept his words for the first time. "i know you won't leave me, felix. you've never left me before even when i..." she takes a deep breath and wipes her eyes with one of her hands, the other still desperately holding onto felix. she wasn't very good with words and she especially wasn't good with these types of things but she owed it to him to keep going even though she was fairly she was fumbling everything and repeating words she'd already said. "even when i don't treat you very well, which i don't. i haven't. but i want to try. i want to be a good mate for you, maybe someone that would have been a good mother." sawyer coughs a little after saying this, trying not to keep crying. the baby wasn't something she thought she could handle talking about at the moment. "please let me try. i want to be better for you."